If you ask any little kid what their plans for the future include they will tell you about three things in particular:
- Their future job,
- Their dream wedding
- How many kids they will have
And it's great that they have an idea of what they want since most adults are still figuring that out.
Unfortunately getting married and having kids was never on my radar, all the other girls were deciding the perfect names for their future babies and I was trying to figure out why I couldn't redecorate my bedroom with my art supplies.
When puberty hit my generation everyone around me started wearing clothes that were revealing and I couldn't figure out why they would want to do that. I decided to ask someone after I noticed this change and when they said seeing someone in short or tight clothing was appealing I was confused. I didn't find half naked people appealing at all but in an effort to fit in I pretended to find people attractive.
At one point I was talking regularly to a friend's crush and my friend was upset with me for talking to that boy. I couldn't understand why she was upset that I would joke and laugh with someone I'm sitting by in class. Yes I knew she liked him, but I didn't have any feelings for him so I thought it would be fine. Years later I would find out that it's fairly common for a girl to date a boy that another girl likes to cause jealousy. I didn't like Cameron, his jokes were funny and that's why I wanted to hangout with him.
Apparently if you aren't in a relationship you're a threat to someone else's relationship. That never made sense to me, if I clearly state that I have no interest in a romantic relationship with someone then that's it, case closed. Sadly most people don't believe that so I've learned to go on and on about celebrities that I like and why we'd compliment each other nicely. It helps ease the tension so I can hangout with my friends without being accused of "wanting" my friends.
To all of my friends who are reading this; I never have nor will I ever want to have sex with you. It's not that I think my friends are repulsive, I love them with all of my heart. I just don't want anything to do with sex.
I'm not interested but some aces do have sex and they enjoy it. Some of the different types of asexuals include:
- Gray Asexual - You experience sexual attraction infrequently and you may or may not act on those urges.
- Cupiosexual - You want a sexual relationship but you don't feel sexual attraction.
- Demisexual - You don't experience sexual attraction unless you have a strong emotional bond with that person.
- Lithiosexual - You experience sexual attraction but you don't want your desires to be reciprocated.
- Autochorissexual/Aegosexual - There is a disconnect between the person and the target of their arousal.
You can find more on these identities and others here:
I'm Aegosexual, It's under the Asexual umbrella, my definition is: I feel sexual desire but I don't want anyone to help me ease that tension. I can have sexual fantasies and read sexual material but I don't want to try anything. I don't crave orgasm like other people do, specifically I can't relate to desire the way it's described in the media.
"I want to tear your clothes off and make love to you all night" I can't understand how that's a thing you would desire, I'd be upset that my clothes were ruined and I didn't get any sleep. Or the whole "I'm going to make you scream my name and claw my back." That doesn't interest me, it sounds like the beginning of a dateline murder mystery.
In general I find sexual contact repulsive. It's like taking a bite out of something thinking it will be delicious because it looks good and finding out it's actually a disgusting mess. The way a good novel describes sex sounds amazing but if I think about wanting to try something I'm instantly put off.
In addition to being ace I'm also aro which is another way to say Aromantic. Aromantic means that you don't feel romantic attraction. Not every ace is aro and not every aro is ace, I just happen to be both.
I am in an awesome relationship with my partner in crime. I can hear you from here, "but didn't you just say that you're aro ace?" I am. Just because I'm aro ace doesn't mean I can't be in a relationship. We are together because we want to be silly and play pranks on other people as we grow old together. Think of your favorite superhero duo and you've got the idea. It also helps to have someone you can rely on for everyday problems. You can ask a roommate for help but it gets awkward if you need help with something that's super personal.
A while back I needed help pulling my pants up after I used the bathroom because I dislocated my shoulder. If you ask my girlfriend she would tell you that emergency room trip was the turning point in our friendship. We decided to become a couple not long after. We do the same things romantic couples do without the expectations of romantic relationships. We go on movie dates but we don't flirt in the dark. We go out to eat but we don't feed each other or eat off the same plate. (We're actually confused by people who think it's cute or romantic to share a single meal. Like, why would you want to share less food with another person when you can eat a full meal by yourself?)
I didn't label myself as Aromantic Asexual because it's "new and trendy" I am Aromantic Asexual. I stumbled across the terms and decided to look them up. I could relate to the definitions but I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging when I read accounts of isolation and confusion over lack of sexual and romantic attraction. I wasn't the only person who was pretending to have sexual desires and romantic feelings while secretly wondering if you're defective.
I am so grateful that I found the Asexual community, I feel welcome and understood here. I'm not "missing out" because I'm not in a sexual relationship. I'm also not "incomplete" because I'm not draped across someone's arm. No more pretending, questioning, or feeling ostracized, I don't have to be like everyone else to be accepted and that is the greatest feeling of all.
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