Demisexuality is under the umbrella of Asexuality, not many people are aware of Demisexuality. For those of you that don’t know, this is when someone only experiences a sexual attraction to a person; regardless of their gender identity, after they have formed an emotional bond.
Like most people who live with or have families that aren’t open to different sexual orientations, for a big portion of my life I believed myself to be straight. It wasn’t until I reached middle school that I thought that I may not be straight. However, back then I didn’t know of many sexual orientations aside from straight, gay, lesbian, and bisexual; that being said, I believed myself to be a lesbian from eighth grade until graduating high school.
As mentioned previously, my family hasn’t always been accepting of other orientations until they realized one of our close family members was a part of the LGBTQIA community. Once they realized this, they began opening their minds little by little.
While they accepted the family member, they did not accept their lifestyle; believing their belief that no one is born any way other than straight and thinking they should change their lifestyle to appease their personal beliefs. That being said, I did begin to notice that my mother had become more accepting than she was years prior. Once I saw this change in her and she had opened her mind more, I decided that it was time to talk to her about how I identify.
I explained to her what Demisexuality was, while she was a bit confused, she did seem to understand after a few minutes of processing. She also said that all she wants is for her children to be happy which brought a smile to my face knowing she was growing as an individual. However, once I began to open up to others; some in my family, others not in my immediate family, I noticed that there was a recurring reaction. “Isn’t that how everyone is though?” Speaking on how Demisexuality doesn't experience sexual attraction until that emotional bond is formed, but since I had no idea how to respond to that I would normally just laugh it off awkwardly and move away from that experience.
That experience fresh in my head, I began to think that I was the only one. There were no support groups I could think of, no people to talk to, and no one to confide in that would understand how I felt; until I came across several groups on Facebook who identified the same way! It was after I was accepted into some of these groups I realized that many people that identify as Demisexual feel like they may be wrong in how they identify. It was such a relief to know that I wasn’t the only one that identified this way, finally understanding that I wasn’t misunderstanding my feelings at all. Being able to find a community that identifies the same as you is probably one of the best feelings in the world.
Even though I was able to find a community, it is still a struggle knowing where I can be my genuine self; especially seeing how people act violently towards others that go against their beliefs, no matter how much it doesn’t impact them. That being said, I do still try to be my weird self; however, just being situationally aware when to tone it down for my safety. While this is luckily far and few between, it is still something that has to be done every so often. When this has to be done, I try to be around close friends so that I am able to feel a little safer regardless of how I have to act. Even though some situations require me to suppress my identity to some extent, I do generally try to make sure that I allow parts of my personality to stay; if I have to suppress myself everyone gets the slightest bit of weirdo!
In short, I do want to say to the community that if you feel safer not being your true self around certain people, that is okay; you need to take care of your safety first and foremost. However, please remember that the community is a safe space for everyone! Quite honestly I can say that a few of my best friends have been made in the LGBTQIA community. We ensure each other are safe in situations we’re nervous about and if we’re available we accompany one another to these events that may be presented in an uncomfortable environment.
The community that I have found where we can support one another without judgement or having to worry how others will react has given me a peace of mind I never knew I was missing. It has allowed me to focus on finding more ways of supporting the LGBTQIA community that I never even knew existed. Which brings me to what I am studying in school. I am going for Criminal Justice, however, once I complete this pathway, I intend on finding a program that will allow me to not only pursue social work, but become a certified peer support specialist. Much like it did with me, it will show others that may be struggling that there is a community there to support them no matter how alone they may feel.
I am so immensely honored that I have been able to share my experiences with you all and I hope that it does help someone struggling in the Asexuality spectrum to know that you have support.
My name is Casey, and I identify as Demisexual. Follow me on my social media and please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or just need someone to chat to. However, please remember that I am not a professional; I may be able to offer some help but I will also do everything in my power to help you find resources that can assist you.
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